The Solo Dad Podcast

1.2 Letting Go Without Falling Apart: Solo Parenting, Grief, and Everyday Anxiety

• Solo Dad Life • Season 1 • Episode 2

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In this episode of the Solo Dad Podcast, Matt and Ben have an honest, practical conversation about solo parenting anxiety, the illusion of control after loss, and the slow work of learning to let go. From daycare decisions and COVID bubbles to routines, asking for help, and redefining what really matters, they unpack how grief amplifies anxiety—and why perfection isn’t the goal. This episode is a grounded, relatable look at parenting after loss, filled with real-life strategies for reducing burnout, trusting others with your kids, and choosing presence over control. 

Ben has a refreshing glass of water with MIO
-https://www.makeitmio.com/en/original

Matt needs an after noon pick me up with a BANG Energy. 
-https://bangenergy.com

Because you can't always drink in the middle of the day. 

Ready for more than just listening? Explore the CLIMB framework and support options at https://solodad.life/

Matt

Welcome to another episode of the Solo Dam Podcast. This is Matt. I'm here with my my buddy friend Al Connected in Brie.

Ben

How you doing, buddy? I'm doing fine. Um I think today we should talk about um your recent solo parenting neurotic discovery. I think it would be really uh interesting to share these uh this new development with everyone. Um I think it could really help some people now that we're kind of getting back at it and you're finding new things about yourself. But uh why don't you tell everybody what's going on?

Matt

Why don't I tell everybody about my troubles, right? Uh-huh. Well, as you know, as we were talking a little bit earlier, you know, I I think what I'm coming to realize is there's this uh how do it start? It starts with this illusion of control, right? So uh due to my situation in the move and then COVID, I was kind of able to keep Blair inside of a bubble, a narrative bubble, also both protective and also like what I could control. And control's an illusion, right? We know that. Like I can't control if a meteorite falls on my house in 20 minutes from now. Like, there's only so much we can do. We can mitigate some things, but really at the end of the day, we're all just randomly bumping into each other, hoping we don't explode. So anyway, and so, but I think that I didn't realize that I really paused a lot of my both grief, which we've talked about before, yeah, but I also think I paused and wasn't dealing with or didn't have to because it wasn't in my face yet, some solo parent anxieties, right? And I think I'd even say this probably I I now have a way more profound uh understanding and empathy for my co-parent to my oldest, uh her mom, when she would struggle with like allowing, you know, more time with with my older daughter, I now understand, I have a much more sympathetic understanding on why, right? It wasn't about that she didn't trust me or that, you know, that she was worried something bad was gonna happen because my daughter was with me. It's more about, and I'm assuming this, but what I'm dealing with is like if something were to happen when Blair was not in my care, I wouldn't be there to handle the parenting side. Right. And right, whether that's uh, you know, something as bad as like a broken arm or something as simple as like, hey, I want to see pictures of my mommy, and she's with someone that doesn't have mommy pictures on their phone and anything in between. And I didn't realize that those little things were under the surface of because Blair just started pre-K of and jokingly, she was gonna go. She needed to go. Matter of fact, I I think if you eventually follow Zaholo Dad on on Instagram or Facebook, you'll see. I'll put the post out there that you know, basically woke up in that morning and she's like, I'm ready, dad.

Ben

And I'm going, I'm sending a school, please. This I need to get out of the house. This is ridiculous.

Matt

Like, Dad, we haven't left the house in a fortnight. Why do you know what fortnight is? How do you know what a fortnight is? Um, not the video game, not sponsored by anyway. And so, so I think that was part of it. And then in there, and I remember my mom doing this, and so I'm gonna blame it on her, but like making us wear, which I do now anyway, as a parent because I think it's important, but I'll just say making us wear knee guards and elbow guards and helmets while we're riding our bike. I'm joking, she didn't go that far, because she read the one article, the one time about the kid that fell off the bike and you know became a quadruple or whatever, which I'm sorry if that happened to somebody, but at the same time, you're like that one thing gets stuck in your head, right? Right. And so the other anxiety that I was finding is like I've been having this idea that I somehow have to protect my home to an nth degree that I've never that I've it's never crossed my mind before, not to that level, right? And I think uh with the way people choose to do what they want to do, that's fine. This isn't a judging zone, but for me it was a new level. I was like, whoa, like where's this coming from? And I think through, you know, briefly talking previously before we hit record, you know, I think part of it is going to what I said all the way back at the beginning, this illusion of control. Because in a podcast, so you can't see my hands, but there's this area of our lives as a solo parent that we have no control over. The loss of our spouse. We can't control that at all. It happened. There was nothing that we can do about that now, right? It's it's it happened, it's an event, it's a bell, you can't unring that bell. And so I think what happens is then, at least for me, speaking for myself, then you try to like mitigate as much illusion of control to like offset that. So, like as a balance, right? Like, this is a massive thing I can't control. Right. There's definitely thing. So let me try to let me try to get a balance of control back. And again, podcasts, you can't see my hands trying to do the level of the justice scale. So it's been interesting in also trying to find exercises to both acknowledge and release that anxiety. So I'm gonna take a breath and pause and ask you, because you've had to do this solo parent, and when Gwen was alive, uh even you know, dropping your kid at any day. I I remember doing this with Marcy. Oh, sorry, I'll go record when we were looking at daycares where we lived previously and walking through some amazing places, unbelievably beautiful and well maintained, and everything from A to Z and amazing and just perfection. And they they were none of them were good enough, right? Because it wasn't you watching the kid, and you're like, What do you mean you're gonna have more than one child here? Like, what am I paying for? Right, like and you have to let that go eventually, which obviously we do, but like you've already done it kind of twice, and they so like pre-exercise for me, it's probably been over 16 years, and that was a different co-parenting thing, right? So, like maybe some comparisons of what it was like to with the two oldest to kind of exercise those letting go or releasing that anxiety, and if you notice any difference, or it's like, no, I've done this before, it'll all be okay. So, kind of tell me like like let's just stay specific on like care for the child anxiety. Like, how like how do you how did you see a difference between now and whatever? And kind of share like maybe what you think about that, or why am I crazy?

Ben

Um, so previously, uh, I mean, all three of our kids were in daycare at the age of eight weeks because we were both full-time working parents. So taking and dropping the kids off of daycare just seemed like the normal thing to do. And like you said, there's lots of really good quality of daycares out there. So you just find the one that kind of fits with your style and your preferences. I mean, I think there's free play, there's guided, there's instructional, there's like I said, there's a daycare out there for everyone, no matter where you live. I mean, it is a very important hopping market. Like it's and if you can get into daycare, do because I'm paying so much. It's outrageous. Um, I missed the boat on that one. So it was uh there's a whole movie about that.

Matt

I think it's called Daddy Daycare.

Ben

Oh, is there? Oh yeah, I mean, sorry, they're not working anymore. And then they do it. And like, so I've never had an issue taking the kids to daycare because like sometimes they'll post especially now, like they'll post little things. They've got apps that'll show things like, hey, today we did this. Here's some pictures, here's some videos. Yep. Um, and I'll I will say that transitioning post loss of Gwen, um, and I'm trying to do all three, it forced me into a scenario of mentally having to let go of more control.

Matt

Just because of the say that again, real quick.

Ben

It forced me into having to let go uh mentally of more control, just because one parent with three kids uh is chaos. Maximum chaos. Yeah. And so I'm bored for that. And especially when like and like I said, like it was what I had a 13-year-old, a 40-year-old, and a six-year-old, a 13-month-old, right? And so like it was crazy. And then as the kids got a little bit older, you have to kind of go, okay, they're gonna go play on their own, things are gonna be fine. If they holler, you can go and do things, but you can't like you just cannot keep an eye on all three kids at once.

Matt

Well, you only have two eyes, so yeah, it's impossible.

Ben

And so, like, unless you lock them in a little room going, here's your playroom, you're gonna stay in here all day. You've like it's just um it's not, you know, that's nothing, not that thing. Or play pens, you know, that's a thing too. Like I just I just turn that thing upside down, that changing table thing, and I just perfect, or like or like a like a playhouse, like zip it up and tape it and call it. I mean, and they're having fun. Um so like it it pushed me to a scenario where I was like, okay, look, you cannot do this. You have to put this release of trust and put trust in the kids, put trust in friends and and other things like that. And um and it's been and I will say it too, and it's like, and especially when you like, and we can maybe talk about this later, but like when you go to do activities, like I took the kids to a dirt bike park over the weekend so they could all ride their bikes around. You've got three different kids, three massively different levels of being able to bike, and you're trying to watch and cheer one on as they're going through rollers or little bumps or things, and you've got one trying to pedal up the hill, getting stuck halfway, and then you have one on a strider bike that doesn't quite know how to pedal yet and is trying to figure it out. So you're like trying to help support one push up the hill. You're trying to help someone teach, and you're also supposed to go, yeah, you're doing so good. I'm watching you happen. You you almost have to do things like that with friends if you really truly want to try to um make it happen for the kids. So they think you should get that kind of attention so you can and you can still bounce around, but that way you've got some additional support. And so, like you have to you just you put in a position where you just have to accept the fact that chaos is prevalent, you have very minimal control, right? Um, you can put guidance in there, but you're going to need help, support, and trust to make something like that happen. Um, and so like and the kids, they've made fantastic friends at the daycare, fantastic friends at schools. I mean, like they've been and they've had friends now that they still hang out with since they were. I mean, kids don't really play with other kids until they're like three, four ish.

Matt

Yeah, it's like that, it's like parallel play, and like three to five is when they kind of go from parallel to co-play to actually right.

Ben

And so, and they still have friends that they play with still from daycare like that. So it's huge for them. Um, and even for me, there were some like great parent friends I met through that too. Um, but yeah, I just I can see where having especially with COVID kind of locking everything down, yeah. Kind of having this um just you and Blair being that partnership and the tightness, yeah, and then having that kind of like you said, and you guys had so much things going on, like you had Marcy, then you had the move, then you had like you know, some of the stuff happening at the other house in Elmherst, and the like the new build and the like it was just constant freaking back.

Matt

Yeah, now yeah, at the time I'm like, what? Well, and I think you know, kind of saying on that, on that vein of like, you know, I don't want to talk all about like, you know, a year lost to COVID because I think there's two sides to that, right? Like, you know, if someone were to come to you and be like, you're gonna get all this time with your kids at home two years ago, you'd be like, yes. And then it actually happens, you go no, right? Like all of a sudden they're like, they're gonna be dumb, they're never gonna make it to Yale. When are they gonna go back to school? They need help. Like, really, I they're gonna be fine. Kids are pretty resilient. Like the parents, on the other hand, we all a year COVID cost us probably eight years on the back end of our life. We all like stress level, just like stress level through there. But what I was gonna say is like, really, it's it, and it's just recent, when I say recently, in the last few months, like, you know, recognizing and and owning the fact that things paused for a bit emotionally, right? As far as like an emotional, both like with Blair and you know, and I made the decision because of when we moved, you know, COVID was still pretty, pretty hot, if you will. And I was like, well, she doesn't have to go to gay care due to my situation. I'm fortunate enough to where that wasn't the choice I had to make. I I went with a nanny, which again is like a step below right. I interviewed the person, they're in my house. I watched them with her, right? Like it's still this illusion of like, all right. And so beyond this solid 20-minute cry after the first day of school of dropping her off, like she's fine. Like it's not, it's it's right, it wasn't.

Ben

It's more about me being okay with her being okay. So did this start happening when you started shopping daycares?

Matt

Oh, for sure. When I look back, oh, absolutely. It was, it was like it was one, the excuse was COVID. I used that, right? Like, oh, I don't like I don't want her going to daycare just so I can, you know, go to work out and have a latte. And then we bring COVID back to the house to everybody because you know, little kids mask, they do the best they could, but like, because it wasn't a necessity for me, right? So I could have that choice, but I used COVID as an excuse. She could have easily gone to daycare. She was more than ready, right? That it was a year ago, she would have been fine. Yeah. Um, so it was just like an extra buffer excuse, right? I'm like, well, we'll do we'll do the knee-any thing again. And I don't, you know, she doesn't need to be gone to all day daycare because again, my situation. I'm I'm fortunate enough right now that that doesn't have to make that uh decision for me, or it's not made for me. I can I can make some other decisions. So I think that was part of it. I think also I realize now, like, even in it's and it's physically how it's also physically represented about grief pausing is like move, right? Which is a big deal. I I I move to a better place for myself personally and financially, and to be closer to my older daughter, all the right reasons. But there are boxes down there that need to be processed that are, you know, Marcy related. And it paused because you get moved into a house, and like you, and I think we may have done an episode about, you know, hate to joke about it, but I literally, this isn't a figurative speech. I put Marcy in the basement of the new house behind a closed door. So I literally did not have to see it or deal with it. Yeah, right. How crazy is that? And it's taken almost a year to go, like, probably should go in there and start managing this because it it can't stay in the state that it currently is, it's not digestible in the way it is. And so I, and again, using COVID is a bit of an excuse, a valid excuse, but like, you know, still, and so I think as we were saying early on, as things open up, and you know, and it's not like I mean, I've been out, I've seen people. I'm not gonna, I don't want to talk about you know, COVID protocol or whatever. I mean, hell, I flew to Denver, right? Like I've been places, I see humans. It's this weird, but which is funny, right? Like, I can I in I I think I may have even talked about it in one of the other shows where I was like the night before leaving to go on a trip, I literally was going, like, I'm not going. I'm not going because the kids crying. I'm like, ah, and so eventually, and I think what I want people listening to here is you know, oversimplification of like mind, body, and spirit, you've got to find ways as a solo parent. And I'll go ahead and tag on a single parent, yeah, to find time for yourself. So if you're an off weekend, if you're a single parent and you like I was, or co-parenting, right? On your off weekend, do your you stuff, whatever you and then when your kid's with you, be all in on the kid. Be all in, like whatever they want to do. They want to eat mac and cheese for breakfast, fine. They want to like, you know, don't go over, but you know, don't break rules necessarily, but like be with them, be present, put the phone down. You had a weekend of yourself, if you will. Now be with them. Now, in our situation, when it's you know a solo parent and there is game on all the time, right? It's game on all the time. You still need to find ways. And again, I'm I'm gonna gloss over because this conversation is about this, but mind-body and spirit in finding ways to fulfill yourself again. It's not a conduit through your kid. I love, I am, I love being a dad, and I'll be the first to jump in line and anything kid friendly. Like you want to go to a water park, you want to go to Disneyland, you want a water balloon flight, you want to paint the, you know, you want to do finger painting, you want to chase bubbles, you want to have two bounce houses, whatever you want, whatever you want. Dad's all into being a kid. I love it. I love it, right? So it's not that part, that's a conduit of fun through the kid. As fulfilling as that is, that's not for that's not necessarily fulfilling for me in the other part of me as a fulfilling part of you, but yeah, it's not all of you.

Ben

Right.

Matt

Right. And so, like you're saying, part of the anxiety needs to be dealt with so that you can whatever. If you're uh if you're uh uh you like you know, motorcycles and you like going on long rides or whatever, and and that's your thing, fine. If you're a hunter and you want to, you know, you want to go out and hunt for a weekend or whatever time of day you're supposed to hunt at, I don't know, or you're a fisher or you golf or you rock climb or whatever it is, whatever that one-on-one or adult time or something. Even if you even if you're like a lawn nut and right and you love a healthy lawn, I don't know if anyone listening has ever tried to do any of those things I just mentioned with a child under the age of six, it's complicated. I've tried mowing the lawn with a three-year-old in a backpack. It doesn't work, it doesn't work. You're hot and sweaty, the lawn's all crooked, it's a mess. So I think, you know, I think that's the other thing I would want. You know, you going through already of doing it and like the now it was already being done. But when you become a solo parent, like did you like kind of bouncing it back to you? Was there anything that you went back and revisited going like, oh, am I really okay with this? Or was it like it was out of it needed to be done because you do work full time, you've got the three kids, and you're like, you know what? I can't do work, me parent, without let like you said before, letting some of that go. Yeah, no, it was not not dismissing it, let it go. I want to make sure people understand like Ben wasn't like, the kids will be fine, I won't check on the daycare, like be free.

Ben

Um, yeah, like it um gosh, I it I've I've yeah, and it I did, and it kind of ties in with the asking for help because I also have a hard time asking for help and that kind of thing. And like people offered initially, and it's like, and unless people just did it, like the meal trains or some of these other things, like I was like, that was super helpful, thank you. And I would have never done it on my own. I would have tried to do it because if I didn't do it on my own, I was a failure, right? And so um being able to, and I saw my friends go, like, hey, um, it's okay if the kids come over and play for a couple hours if you need to go to the grocery store. You know, like, and it's just like, okay, yeah, right, I can ask for that and kind of thing.

Matt

There's a I'm gonna try this new phrase out, which is rather than it's you know, help asking for help, which it's the same, but it's like saying, you know what would really help me, right? It's something different than like I need help. It's very specific. You're like, you know what would really help me if once a week someone and uh just so everyone listening, friends, family, and tribe the the tribe of allies, I don't need this, but you know what really helped me is if One night a week, someone would just have dinner deliver. I don't, but you know what I mean? Like very specific ask, right? Like, and what you just said something that I I definitely need to take advantage of, which is I am fortunate enough to live in a neighborhood very much like yours. Blair tends to lean towards the younger side of the kids, but there is a crew of good kids in the in the tween ages, like 10 to 12, that when we did something for getting out of school for the kids, they played so well with the younger kids. It was you would think you would think like an 11-year-old would be like you, but it's fun, right? They're playing in the water. And I didn't have a single concern of her going up and down this water slide that she was going to get run over or stepped on, even though the 12-year-olds are going down that one and we had a big one. But so what I'd others, what I need to do a better job of is, and I've heard it called like mommy's little helper. So daddy's little helper sounds kind of off, but where like the neighbor kid who's like not quite ready to babysit, but you're like, hey, can you come over and play with Blair? Or can Blair come play, you know, Barbies or Dolly's with you for two hours so that I can't very specific amount of time so that I can rotate through laundry or I can fold the laundry, put away, and I'll come get her, like just to have that havoc out from underneath your foot for just a moment, right? And that's and that's an ask. And that's me saying, like, you've offered, and you know what would really help me is if once, you know, whatever, whether it's routine or not, or you just go once in a while and she come over and play, you know, it's you know, I'll pay or whatever you got to do, or I'll send you cookies or whatever. I think it's I think that guys need to realize, and you said it, and I still feel that way, that like asking for help seems to be admitting failure. But I think the problem is I'm willing to bet if you go back and look at the things you asked for help for, if you didn't, you probably would have failed.

Ben

Right. Right?

Matt

100% if you try to cook every meal during your entire grief process and you know, post Gwen post uh Gwen's death, you know, the kids would have probably been just eating Domino's pizza or whatever.

Ben

Yeah, it would have been a it would have been no, no, you wouldn't have gotten that bad.

Matt

You would have done like the Denver Biscuit Company, right? You would have, yeah, or something.

Ben

Yeah, it would have just been horrible. Um yeah, it would have been um afterthoughts and things. And like and I guess that too, like you like you mentioned the the direct request, I think is huge. Cause like I've I've used that on several things, like with regards to communication changes that are important with me, my parents, and things. And like I have to go to them, like, hey, you know what would be really important is if you do X, Y, and Z to let me know that you're doing A, B, and C or whatever it is. And so, like, you can't just go, hey guys, I would love some help. People are like, Well, what what does that mean, or what does that look like? And if people are gonna offer you, like, well, what do you need for help? Or like, can I help, or what do you need, especially like right out of the gate?

Matt

Oh, that's actually a pro tip to anyone finding this early on. Take all the help in the first 90 to 120 days, all of it. If someone offers to iron your socks, take it because life returns back to a normal quicker than you think.

Ben

Yeah, and yeah, so and like and people do want to help and they do care, but they just don't know how to. And so, like, they'll come either they'll offer just a blanket, like, if you need something, reach out or whatever. And if you don't know what it is, like maybe come up with something. But like, but once you kind of do get a handle on, okay, on Thursdays, it would be nice if my kids got picked up from school so I could work a couple extra hours versus the three o'clock pickup, or like if you don't have like a latch key kind of well, latch key really aged me, like an after school program um that's available at your school.

Matt

I never I never realized that was one until literally like four months ago. I was like, Mom, is a latch key kid? She's like, Yeah, get over it. Good enough.

Ben

And and um, and I said, and like so these little things that you wouldn't normally have done before, like both my kids do that program after school because I need that extra time for work because because school schedules, and or if a friend like carpooling in the morning, and it's for them, it's an adventure because it's different and it's fun and it's good to hang with friends. And so, like, it's not you releasing.

Matt

Well, and real quick, too, you said routine, which there's still I I think for a longer than we probably are willing to recognize, kids thrive under guidelines and routine, and I yes, it's an adventure, but also like every Wednesday they know that Wendy's coming to pick them up on Wednesdays, and they're like, Yay, like it's something kind of fun for them. And every Wednesday, and so even if you don't need the time, you keep that routine going because it's something fun to look forward to. Blair looks forward to another little pro tip for anyone listening. I have a standing, I found a babysitter. It's a standing Thursday night. Some nights I'm here, some nights I'm not. I don't have to worry about Thursday nights. She comes over. She's learned, you know, Blair knows she can trust her and put her to bed, right? And I can do, I can stay in fold laundry or I can go have dinner with the neighbors or I can go for a run or whatever I want to do. I know that time's blocked off, right? And so now Blair looks forward to when the babysitter comes over because she calls it girl night, right? Yeah. It's so as an afterthought, right? And so a little pro tip, like, you know, so you don't shock an awe the kids if you haven't had a babysitter before, to introduce this brand new person on the day that you're trying to go have dinner with your friends or go to the go watch the game or whatever it might be. Like it's I think that's a really good thing. So there are th places it's interesting. As we started, like, you know, I still have some pretty anxieties, I'll continue to work on, but like I released some of them, and a lot of them I think too come from like let's let's let's go we'll go a little further, right? So um the routine part let's go into taking a trip or you've got three. So like how I'll go with uh let's let's do a water park trip or whatever it would be. Is it I think y'all are gonna answer this question? So let's just let's let's imagine that out. You're gonna take a camping trip or whatever you would like to do with the kiddos. How when you like how's that anxiety already released where you're like, I've got three, we're doing this thing, you know, it's not our normal routine. Like, how do you prep the anxiety release for that?

Ben

Um, I don't I don't really have the anxiety around it to be like because I will say once again, like and it sounds it sounds funny to say this, but like when you are presented enough times with more things than you can like really latch on to and hit like like bedtime for me routines are important just because like that really helps the kids go down. And I have so many people tell me, like, you got all three of them down again, like the kids are ready for it, they're they're dialed in, and that is key. I mean, like that is fantastic, and it's like an hour, hour and a half long process in the evening because I'm trying to do all three and stories and teeth and whatever, but like that puppy's locked down. And so when um, with regards to the rest of the day, though, I know that like, for example, I was taking the kids up to the mountains over the weekend, it was a two-hour drive, and we had to stop to go potty three times. And so, like, that's ridiculous. And so, like, you just have to be like, Okay, then you should then you should get that check. Well, you know, like I was really hydrating though, because it was it's important to hydrate when you go with the elevation. So, um, and I'm just not old enough for adult typers yet. It just really it feels weird.

Matt

Yeah, too soon.

Ben

Anyway, unless I'm an astronaut, and and so like you just have to kind of go, okay, this is the the idea of what we're gonna try to do, but whatever happens, happens. And so, like, we're gonna stop and go potty three times because someone's little bladder is like, okay, I didn't need to go last time, but now I do, daddy. And I'm like, I know it's like, I just asked. Does everyone have to go? I'm like, yeah, but I didn't have to go then, but now I do. Like, okay, this is it. All right. And so you just have to, I mean, you could definitely latch on to the fact, and I'm like I said, this was something that I had to you was trying to for you were you forced to play your hand, yeah.

Matt

Yeah.

Ben

And because before it's like, I was always very like, all right, we're doing a drive. This is where it's gonna go, this is how we're gonna we're gonna leave this time. And I I really hate being late. That's really one of my jams. I just I can't, like, it really bothers me being late. And I'm kind of like, okay, sometimes when I'm ready to walk out the door, and this has happened like younger, like I'm putting training and things like, all right, we're walking out the door gonna go on the seat, and someone pisses themselves. So I have to do a change of clothes and maybe a car seat switch or something. And so, like enough things present themselves to you where you kind of go, okay, this is the new norm. You can't if you continue to try to hold on to this much control, you are going to burn yourself out. Yeah, you're gonna fry the stress is gonna be too much, the the the potential anger and frustration is gonna be too much. You just have to kind of go, okay, we're gonna try our best. This is the idea. But if what happens, happens, you know, just it's gonna be a thing.

Matt

Right. What's really the thing, right? Is the thing moving the house on time? No. Is the thing showing up whatever, five, 10, 15, 20, 30, 45 minutes late, but still having fun at the barbecue that you're late for? That's the thing. Right. Yeah. And I think, and I like what you said too, is about the burnout. Like, and this goes into a separate conversation, which um I think we can we can tag this for another, which is this big heavy word called discernment, right? And like what like what what truly is going to be a important? What do what do I allow, right? What do I discern to be, you know, a stressor for me? Like, what truly gives me anxiety around let's just stay focused on the house? Well, I let's go back to the trips. What truly gives me anxiety about going on this trip? What whatever let's go up to the mountains with you guys? What gives me anxiety? Uh, you know, um, oh, we'll be all out of our routine, and um, it's gonna be it's just gonna be a nightmare for five days. Well, no, like you said, our bedtime routine is pretty good. The rest of the day, like I'm she's now of the age she's three and a half. Naps are they're 50-50 now, depending on how tired she is. So there's no longer like, you know, when they're younger, it's like you get this kid for a nap, otherwise you're a terrorist on your hand, right? Like I get that. I've been there, I understand that. But we're fading out of that, and now it's like, oh no nap. She just goes to bed an hour earlier and crashes, right? Pro tip, watch your kid for you. You have a window too. There's a window because then they get untired and then they get crazy.

Ben

And then they get, ooh, yeah, you had a tornado of emotions.

Matt

Anyway, um, so anywho, so I think my anxiety would come around that. And I'm like, well, wait a minute. Like, if that's really, you know, we're all be out of our routine, but we all are, right? When I think about it, like I'll be out of my routine. I don't love that either necessarily. Not that I have a great routine, but right, but like that's okay because it's a vacation. It's not about it's an adventure, it's an adventure, right? And it's something good. Like, you know, someone's offering this, you know, trip to be done, get to stay, you know, going with you guys to the mountains or whatever. It's like saying no to that because I'm worried about the routine is not the best thing. And also going back to the discernment, going like, listen, this would be Blair hanging out with other little kids. That's good. Me hanging out with my friends, that's good. Like, what's the bad part? That your Thursday leaving is a hot mess because you got to pack the car and whatever? Sure. Yeah, but you may have traffic and right, but that's not the end of the world. I mean, in traffic, like I, you know, and I think really mine comes from that again. I think earlier when I was saying, like, if it's more of my my absence, right? Of being around Blair gives me anxiety where I'm like, oh, if something happened, again, not that it's gonna happen more likely with someone else than me. I've learned that lesson. It's equal across the board, whoever's what accidents are gonna happen. I'm like, she's had two black eyes from running the crap at the house. There's I was the only person watching her. So, like, that's that's on me. Um, maybe you shouldn't jump towards the couch that way, head first. Anyway, so but I think that that's it. And I think the burnout is something else too, where like, let's just use the example around the house, right? So I really, really, really, really do not care if laundry goes unfolded, right? Or undone. Like, as long as they have clean clothes to wear, I'm fine. Someone else, that might be a point for them. Mine is when I walk into the house, there's like a countertop that tends to be a catch-all, and that gives me a ton because I'm like, it's not, it's not wherever it's supposed to be. It's just a catch-all, right? I'm like, that's not where the car key goes, that's not where her shoes go, right? And so that gives me anxiety. So so, or I don't shouldn't say anxiety, gets me agitated, right?

Ben

Stress, yeah.

Matt

So it's like, so don't fold the clothes that came out of the dryer, de stress that. Or is that really a big deal because it's time to go do bubble party in the backyard with Blair? No. So I think the two things I'm hearing, right? And correct me if I'm wrong, it's one is you gotta, I think, you know, not to quote frozen, but you got to let go of some stuff.

Ben

Yeah, you have to, you just can't, right?

Matt

Of control. And then the other part I think is as you're doing that, also focusing on what's really the thing, right? Is is folding laundry really that important over having a nice evening with your kid? No, it's not, right? Um, you know, is the other one that gives me a bit of uh expressor is like my garage, which is we're in a flux because of what you know, finishing the basement. But like I go out in my garage and I'm like, the Phillips screwdrivers are in line with the regular flathead screwdrivers. This is pandemonium. I have a corkboard for a reason. Why is mine not right? What is my OCD is like, where are those are those nails in with wood screws? What is this? Um obviously that is still in that state because organizing that is not more important than playing bounce house with Blair, right? And so I think as we right, I think part of it too, I think the other part is like I love how you said it's an adventure. And I think that uh post post COVID post-COVID release, I think that um it's super important as we go back out that um we check those anxieties and do a little pre of like what's really important. So if we want to stay focused on COVID safety, great, be as safe as you can. Make sure you're vaccinated or make sure you wear a mask or you wash your hands or you're comfortable with whatever the environment's gonna be. And then I think the next thing is what's really the goal, right? Like I don't go to the park going, like, well, I want to make sure I can't leave for the park until the the workbench is organized. No, the goal is to get Blair out or get to the park and have some exercise, or going like I did the other day, have dinner with my oldest with Blair at the same time. It's not about where we go or what we have for dinner. Blair ate half of her cheese quesadilla and barely any of the rice. It was about spending time with her older sister. So I think that's the other thing I like how you said it's like what's the what's really the goal? And you can make so many things an adventure, especially as the kids are younger. As they get older, it may be a little more complicated to do. But I think that uh that's definitely something that you can do as they're younger and you have that ability to tell them like this is exciting or this is different, and you can make it special. So I think that that's all that's all something to be thought about as as we as we do this solo parent thing.

Ben

I tried to ignore it for a while, but she kept coming back. She's like, this is a thing. This is like I'm gonna go. I gotta go. I gotta go. I really gotta go. Like I know you're doing this in dad, but I really gotta go.

Matt

No, so what I'm saying is right. What I what I love what you said is both an adventure and then like pre- what I was saying before is like kind of pre-checking some of the the anxiety stuff, like if you want to talk about COVID, all right, fine. Mask up, you know, wash your hands, be be comfortable with the environment you're going in, vaccinated, not this isn't a political conversation, um, you know, and be comfortable with that and check those and then go, okay, what's really important? Like you were saying, like, you know, making an adventure or making it new or different. Because while they're, I'll just go sub-tennish. You can kind of get away with that and then eventually for sure. Right. And I think that for those listening, I would hope that you take a, you know, everyone's situation is slightly different of what you're able to do or not do. But whether it's turning the sprinkler on in the backyard and the laundry doesn't get put away, you're not gonna regret that, right? Even though it may stress you out that the laundry's on the thing. It's in our situation as a solo parent, there's no backup, right? And so, and I think the other little pro tip, and I think you and I have both learned this, and this we were just saying it a minute ago, the asking for help thing is like, you know what? If my mom, and I'm lucky enough to do have this, if my mom or even my mother-in-law are here, and I call it putsing, it's a good putsing, but putsing around, right? Like magically, when they're here, the laundry gets done. Like, there's not like they're doing an excessive amount, but I'm like, oh, I don't have to do two extra loads because they just do Blair's clothes and they get folded and put away. That's one of those things where it's like, you know, those are those like kind of you know what really help me, right? Is you know, when you're here, in-laws or friend, you know, this is a thing that would really help me. Just just take that little release so that when I am doing the bubble dance party in the backyard with the kiddo, I'm not worried about folding socks, right?

Ben

And and I will say it too, like on the and with regards to letting you the that lack of control come in, right? Versus doing it with them. The kids need someone in their lives besides us. It's a thing. Like they need they need other people.

Matt

Yeah, and so like having the feminine energy was the thing too, right?

Ben

Yeah, I don't say just for females, but like yeah, I mean, just like even if so, like the feminine energy is one thing, but just the whole idea of going, okay, you're gonna go to a friend's house and play for a little bit, they're gonna have a ball because they're also getting it, because like being a solo parent, it is you with them 24 hours a day. Right, right. And it is like constant. So when like not only you have to realize that, like, not only are you getting a break, but they are too.

Matt

And it's people introduce things like processed carbs to them. And now I'm a jerk because I have whole food, I have processed cheese slices, I have right, I have whole grain bread, and she's like, What is this trash, dad? I had this stuff called white bread. I'm like, and you know what I'm kidding.

Ben

I'm kidding. They if they get some Oreos or some popsicles and things like they they love it. That's even more fun. And it's right.

Matt

And this is what I love when you say it, too, is like, you know, and it's it's even true for us, like seeing how other households run, even if you're not a solo parent, going like, well, that's fascinating. Like, that's an interesting, not no judge, like that's a good way to handle that. That's a you know, a little trick or something, you know. Or so so what if they give them Oreos and they come back and like I've I've told several people who are not Blair's parent, so that's just me, that like if they want to do something with her, they're like, is it okay if she has X? I'm like, well, that's bad. No, she can't have X. Sorry. Y a truck, H M Y Z, is Z a Z. I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What are the kids calling? Can she have insert random thing uh to eat or drink or whatever? Treat food, whatever. And I look at him like, you can give her whatever you want. I have to be both good cop and bad cop, and she can't know that I know where to pick up Lucky Charm cereal. She can't know that. That can't be a thing for me. For you, full tip total standard. That's fine.

Ben

Someone's gonna have some magical cereal in their house.

Matt

Like, really? That's curious. You can see them every Tuesday. Um, so I think that's another thing too, where as a solo or single parent, I I really like how you phrase that, where like not only do we get a break, but it's an invention for them, but they can all like you can allow them, let's just say you are, you know, very let's say they have a restricted diet for whatever reason, and that people know that like, you know, when they come over here, they can have some treats or something different. That's fine. Unless someone's breaking a rule that you told them explicitly not to do, like let your kids live a little. Like it's gonna be okay. Like if they if they drink a soda pop, I promise you they're not gonna have diabetes tomorrow, right? Like it's gonna be okay. Like, especially if it doesn't come from me, right? Like if they know that I don't have access to certain things, that's a lie. I like to keep going for a while, right? Like, dad, did you know the ice cream truck actually stops over at the neighbor's house? Oh, yeah, he doesn't stop here, he only stops at the neighborhood. Yeah, let the neighbors do the ice cream truck, right? So, like I think there's some of those white lies, is especially just in parenting in general, but as a solo parent, there's some that, and then it allows other people to have some enjoyment. Like, I you know, like if you know my father-in-law wants to give her ice cream for you know a midday snack, I'm like, I yeah, knock yourself out, man. He has an ice cream stand, so that's why it's it's relative. But yeah, so I think that that's that sort of thing where it gives them and it gives you a reprieve where you're like, I don't have to, I don't have to, I don't have to say no all the time, I don't have to say yes all the time. So I think that's another really good one. What um is there is there anything, I'll end with this and just because I think this is a good place to kind of end at. Post loss, is there is was there anything new or anything elevated uh with any anxiety you have? The the one, and I'll I'll pass it to you right now that besides my crazy kind of home security thing for a heartbeat, uh, was uh was mine has been health. Now it's twofold for me. My dad died when he was 45. I'm about ready to turn 45. So, you know, and we can only do so much, but like numbers are numbers, facts are facts, like right. Like you just yeah, there's some things you can try to control. So that's definitely ratcheted up a little bit for me. I'm like, oh, that's a pillar of my life I need to be a little more focused on. And it's not a little bit of anxiety. I'm not overly worried about it, but all of a sudden I'm finding myself going, like, don't eat that. It's really bad for you. Don't even make the excuse to eat it, just eat the other thing. Like, eat and so for you post-loss, was there anything that kind of kicked up because you're a solo parent? Yeah, well, you were waving everything off, like everything I'm just getting.

Ben

No, um, like there was definitely so I I know like right out of the gate, this I went and bought one of those genetic tests. Oh, and did one of those to see if I had any sort of precursor things or carrier status of any of these long-term diseases. Like, I went out and did that right away um to see if there was something that I needed to either prepare for, be aware of, be aware of like, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Matt

Well, I mean, in the colon cancer world, I mean Blair's gonna be getting a colonoscopy probably before she's 18 because there's a good chance her mom had it early, right? Now, her genetic testing was it's not genetic per se, but you she has a direct relative that had it. So it's we're not like to be aware of.

Ben

That was something I did right out of the gate. And then I know that like for me, the health and risk, um risk of health also went up. So, like so base jumping to get more. Yeah, well, like so, like actually, that was there was actually this pretty solid self-realization that was like, I'm doing lots of stupid things in my life, knowing that subconsciously I have backup. Like, if I get really hurt doing something I'm probably too old to be doing anymore, I know that Gwen's there to cover while I heal. And now I'm like, okay, so when I haven't stopped doing any of the fun activities I did because they're still key to me as far as keeping my mental health, but I've definitely taken more precautions and have done less stupidity, knowing that, like, okay, if I get hurt right now, it's gonna be exponentially harder. So um, in my activities, I've toned it down a notch. Um, and then like you said, the health side of things, like I have a pretty solid genetic thing of like heart things and whatever. And so, like, I really wanted to make sure, like, okay, be active, do the right things, eat the right things. Whereas before I was kind of half doing it, sure, and now it's like full on.

Matt

Like it's interesting what you say about the I've noticed like post lot, it took a little bit, but I and it's probably also age related too. I have set what's an acceptable speed for me to be on in the freeway. I live outside of Chicago, people drive insanely fast anyway, right? When they can when there's not traffic. And I'm like, oh, oh, that's that's too fast, which three years ago it wasn't, right? And my back is like, I'm just gonna drive how I drive, not crazy or rot, like, but I was like, oh, and especially with the little in the car. I'm like, oh, you need to slow it down a bit. Like this, this is not okay. You know, it was interesting, and and and it definitely comes from like, we need to be okay. Like this, I can't all because I'm in a hurry and I don't know where I'm going. Right. And so, and and I think you know, I I wonder if there's anything. I mean, COVID really again paused everything. So I'm trying to think if like if anybody were to offer anything now that I hadn't done before that would be considered high risk. So we'll do something like bungee jumping. We'll just go like that, right? And I'd be like, where three years ago, I'd be like, I'd like to try that. That'd be an interesting thing to do. I wonder now if the back of my mind would be like, that's something interesting that I used to want to do, and now I don't think it's worth the risk. Yeah, not saying it's risky just because of the loss, all of a sudden that that that little subconscious of like, well, if I bonk my head, the wife would still be there to take care of the head, kid. You know what I mean? So, like, that's an interesting, yeah. So, yeah, it's it's um, you know, hopefully uh I good. Do you remember do you remember what genetic test you did? Was it just one of the one? 23 and me. 23 and me. Yeah, I think that's a really good thing to do that can because I did a full like workup, and basically they were like, Beyond your weight, you're fine. Like all your other numbers are perfect, they're slightly high, but everything's fine. You lose weight, you eat more salads, you'll be fine, right? And so I'm like, Well, thank you. But they're like, lose weight. I'm like, I heard it. I got it. The first five times you said that, yeah, I'm aware of it. Thank you. Um, but I think that both I think, and but I also think that goes to the mind-body-spirit thing of like, what are you going to discern that's important in your life? Like, this isn't a lecture for everyone to be fit, healthy, and wonderful. But like at the same time, it's like, well, you know, you know, what example do you want to set for the kiddos? How long do you want to be around for the kiddos, you know, and what are you willing to do to make those things come to together in discernment of what are you doing in your life, right? Like, I would never tell anyone never to eat pizza again. That's just mean. So that's terrible. So somewhere between no pizza and pizza all the time. Like, let's, you know what I mean? Yeah. And so I think that, but just and you know, a little bit of, you know, you know, you still have to fulfill yourself, but I think it it also leans a little bit to like the kiddos kind of come into that equation where before it was like the mom was the buffer before the kid came into the equation.

Ben

Right?

Matt

Like there's a like when I say buffer, like you know, that like inside if you're doing a math equation, mom's the parentheses to calculate kid risk, but we're outside of that parenthesis doing our own calculation, if you're right. Um, to do the please excuse my dear aunt Sally uh operations, right? Of of math. So I think that I think that's good. And I, you know, I want you to to repeat the the what were you saying? The it you the let go part, it was you let go, you're gonna burn out, right? Yeah, I think that's big. So um I'm just not gonna do laundry anymore, is what I'm taking away from this.

Ben

Yeah, or you know, just uh I mean, like how dirty is she really getting every day, and like so like little things we're like, I used to fold I used to fold shirts and shorts and leggings and stuff for all the kids. I'm like, we're hanging shirts up, boop, done. And like leggings, they're just laid in the drawer. I mean, like and it's fine. And like I said, like if if they sit in a basket folded or not folded for a day or two, it's it's going to be okay.

Matt

Um and even I was gonna say, as long as they have clean clothes, and I'd even say as long as they have clean enough clothes, like for a day, no one's calling CPS on you. Like, if she adamantly wanted to wear this dress two days in a row and there was like chocolate melted ice cream on the front, and then we're not going anywhere. I'm like, sweetie, like it's it's in the she's like fine, fine. You have 32 other dresses to choose from. You want to wear this one again.

Ben

Yeah, do it. Yeah, yeah, wear your chocolatey dress. Cool, use your chocolate drip dress, it's cool. Um uh anything, do you have anything else to add that comes to mind, besides you know, with anxiety and yeah, I don't know, because like it does like I will say that like anything post-grief that's regarding like emotions and things are instantly amplified. And so, like anxiety is gonna be amplified, anger is gonna be amplified, just all the emotions, and so just know that that's going to be a thing, I guess, and to acknowledge the fact that it's okay to to have that because it will be with you for a while. Um, and that you perfection is not necessary, I guess, is a little take. Like, yeah, because it just and I know some of us really want to try to do the absolute best that we can, and that absolute best changes on a daily basis, and it does not have to be.

Matt

Well, I think kind of like with the asking for help thing when people come back to you or I or one of our other widow friends that I've mentioned, and people are like, wow, you're doing such a great job. And you know, I've talked about this. You're like, here, and then in our mind are like, here's our list of things I didn't get done correctly, or even done at all, right? Right. Let me let me outline the list of failures, right? And and we I was just on a different uh group call last night with someone who unfortunately is new to the widow group, and basically, you know, if he was kind of doing the like, well, you know, I don't know, I'm I'm messing up all the time. And one of the guys stopped him and he goes, Is is your little one fed in bed and taken care of today? It's like, yeah, but I don't, yeah, you know, like I think that's the other thing is, and that was actually I'd agree. Everything's amplified, but doing it perfect, like maybe lower the bar a little for a while.

Ben

Don't be as hard on yourself, like yeah, like and you'll get it back. You'll figure out the new, you'll get the new pattern, you'll get the new care, but like initially it's gonna be a shit show. I mean, it's just I mean, it's it's it is what it is. And I like I really hate that, but like I do.

Matt

I wish, yeah, but it's true. I mean, and I think you know, I I really, you know, I so the three things that I was kind of jotting down is the one is I definitely, and this is for me, like so just for you know, friends, family, and our tribe of allies, as I'm trying to pitch that hole and see if it's gonna work, uh, is is one, even for me, is like, you know, there are things that I can do a much better job of letting go of. Uh, the other is like, you know, treat a lot of this window of time. Uh, if some of the new stuff is more of an adventure, is then an obligation, right? So, like, hey, like just make it fun. However, in it again, everyone's situation is different, but like maybe kind of treat it more as a little bit of an adventure of something new. Um, and then I uh um I also think that uh being specific in our asks for help, I think is is still is still a big one, especially when it comes to things that we're anxious over, because it's letting someone behind the curtain, right? Like you said, like you're doing such a good job. Let me give you the list of things I think I fail at. And they kind of will slough you off where you're like, but this is what makes me feel bad about myself. So if you could help me with and not give me any guff about it, whatever, we'll just stick with laundry. It'd be you know, if you can just please, when you're here, put away the laundry that's in that basket, whether it's four pairs of pants or 30, just help, please. That would help me a lot. So I think the specific ass. So uh hey, buddy, I appreciate your time as always. Thanks so much. Um go uh go have a wonderful uh rest of the week. And uh I look forward to hearing about uh the little man's uh Big B day.

Ben

Yeah, send me awesome. This should be a fun little weekend.

Matt

Help him instead.

Ben

We'll talk to you later.