“You’re never done with grief,” says Jim T., who has the rare distinction of being twice widowed. His first wife Melinda was killed in a car accident shortly after they moved to Knoxville Tennessee to found an Eastern Orthodox Church there. Melinda’s death brought the new congregation together, who were still relative strangers, as they rallied around Jim in support. He describes the beautiful rituals and traditions of that sect of Christian faith, and shares what church elders told him about the significance of the date of her death.
Earlier this year, Jim’s second wife Tracy, mother of his two children, died unexpectedly. He explains the difference in grieving his first wife versus his second. He and Mathew dispel some of the ‘rules’ around grieving and Jim describes his childrens’ surprising reaction to the loss of their mother. He expands on his faith and the role it plays in his grieving process and his life in general.
This year, he attended a grief retreat where he met up with old friends of his, and people whom he’d never met but who traveled from across the world to lend their support in their time of need. The people who showed up weren’t who he’d expected, but they were exactly who he needed.
Quotes
“Most of the things we solve in our lives involve doing. And grief is one of these situations where there is no solving it, there is no fixing.” (9:19-9:26 | Jim)
“We get both lamentation and joy because the day of the funeral, I had all of those emotions going on all at once. So if you only do half of it, it just feels incomplete. (17:18-17:37 | Jim)
“I will say this, you're never done with grief. You are never done with it. You work on it, and you put it back on the shelf. And then when you're ready or when something comes up, you take it down and you work on it some more.” (28:50-29:08 | Jim)
“If I could wave a magic wand, one of the things I'd remove for anybody that's grieving is shame. Just get rid of it.” (31:39-31:43 | Mathew)
“I never, ever want to break my kids’ hearts again, like I had to that day.”(38:45-38:54 | Jim)
Links
http://www.thejoyfulwidower.com/
http://www.refugewidowers.com/
Tracy’s visitation (St. Anne Orthodox Church, Oak Ridge, TN) and memorial prayers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eP25wWBKaj8
Tracy’s funeral (St. George Greek Orthodox Church, Knoxville, TN): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cPndjTMoto
Books:
“I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can”: https://a.co/d/g0h6xyA
“The Group”: https://a.co/d/0HZfI5X
“Memory Eternal”: https://a.co/d/4PYnDGF
Jesus Prayer: https://www.svots.edu/saying-jesus-prayer
“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner”
(And in French, for Tracy’s tombstone): “Seigneur Jésus Christ, Fils de Dieu, aie pitié de moi, pécheur/pécheresse” (masculine/feminine)
Kolliva: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koliva
You can also find several recipes for how to make it—different countries and different families have their own variations on the theme